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Catch A Tiger By His Toe

Need Cash?

Ladies, are you broke, single, and desperate— living paycheck to paycheck with out knowing what the next month will bring? Being a bachelorette is only cute until about 25, then it’s Spinster City. Well, never fear because you, too, can live (a woman’s version of) The American Dream. Around every corner is a handsome Prince who’s just waiting to blow his inheritance on you (in exchange for a little something on the side). It’s so easy and all it takes is a little pimping and primping. Knowing when to put out and when to hold out will serve you well, so follow my advice and you will be living vicariously through someone else’s status in no time!

Fix-Up

Never (ever) leave the house with out having your lips on and your eyebrows drawn. Red lips are a signifier of your sexual availability, so wear it well. Choose garments that flatter your best attribute. If ever in doubt, a push-up bra and low cut top will solve everything— temporarily. Tall and thin? Then try a skirt short enough to catch his eye but long enough to let him know that you mean business and will hold out until he’s sealed the deal. Dresses are also a great investment, but if you absolutely insist on wearing jeans, make sure they are well-fitted…but easy enough to remove.

Some Day My Prince Will Come

Hunting Season has officially started! Ladies let me remind you that this is a competition and there are three floozies to every one street corner on Fifth Avenue, all hunting the same game. For the best results, try lingering in front of your favorite high-end retail store looking helpless. When your potential Prince approaches close enough that you can smell his Armani cologne, this is your cue to strike hard. Give him your best bedroom eyes and reel him in with suggestive body language. Try dropping your keys— especially if you are wearing a mini skirt. Remember, it’s not prostitution if you are exchanging favors for gifts…unless the favor is anal sex…in which you are a filthy whore.

 Wild Boar Galore.

Play your card right and your new life could be overflowing with Wild Boar,  champagne cocktails, and overpriced panties! Remember, you are only as good as the man you are sleeping with, so aim high and ward away deadbeats. It’s your only hope to move up in this world (unless you go to school, educate yourself, get a job, and make your own money). Diamonds are a girls best friend because “men grow cold as girls grow old” so make sure to get that ice while you still got the goods.

My Pete Campbell Fantasy Date

Meet Giles

Location: East Village, NYC.

Origin: Stockholm, Sweden.

Occupation: Philanthropist in Training.

Hobbies: Sex, collecting airline safety instruction cards, and Crossfit

How We Met: I was introduced to Giles and six other Swedes at Carnagie Hall.

Interesting Facts: Although Giles is straight, he has made out with more guys than me. In Sweden, Giles had a sex blog and studied Swedish Massage. Oh yeah— his family also put the “Goodman” in Bergdorf Goodman.

The Date

Intrigued by my dating column, Giles asked if he too could be objectified and take me out for a night. Normally I decline date proposals, but I decided to accept his challenge because he had a Pete Campbell allure about him (“Pete Campbell” bonus points) and I too was intrigued by his online “column.” We met at the fountain in Washington Square Park and took a leisurely stroll. Giles had a full agenda lined up for the evening. Our first destination was Robataya, a festive Japanese restaurant that serves your meal on enormous wooden paddles. I was so excited about the paddles and the promise land of photo opps they would provide, until we arrived and discovered that Robataya doesn’t allow photography (“Photo Restriction” deduction points). In their defense, flashing cameras are a distraction to the sushi chefs who are working with razor-sharp knives. I politely put down my camera—and a glass of Yamazaki—but not before quickly snagging a photo of me kissing a fish.

Kiss A Fish & Make A Wish

Gilesson

Hanging Tough

Well Suited for a Dive Bar

Giles was a bit camera shy but I had just the remedy for that. After dinner we headed to Death and Company for some choice cocktails and to get a little more comfortable. Unfortunately the bar was at capacity, so we needed a plan B. I thought it would be much more fun to have a drink in a total dump since we were all suited-up, so we ducked into a dive bar and ordered mixed drinks (instead of cocktails). The medicine worked almost immediately, as alcohol has a placebo effect. Giles became noticeably more relaxed with my camera —now we were getting somewhere. Being the great story teller he is, Giles shared with me epic tales about a Great-Great Uncle who had “business” with the likes of Fidel Castro and Che Guevara and about a distant cousin who married the crown of Spain. He recounted some wild adventures in Tully, Australia, where he had to choose between a river full of crocodiles or the belligerent locals who wanted to make him and his friends “Squeal like pigs.” So Dangerous…I was captivated.

Elegantly Polishing A Mixed Drink

On The Rocks

Bottoms Up


Later That Night

Things loosened up just in time for our Grand Finale at Casa Mezcal for a little burlesque night cap. By this point we had been walking from the West Village to the East Village and all over the Lower East Side. Normally I love to go for long walks but tonight I wore heels. Giles is considerably shorter than me so I wanted to tower over him by wearing the highest heels I could bear (“Bad Shoe” deduction points). By the time we arrived at Casa Mezcal I was done…walking at least. Giles found me the best seat available so I could relax and enjoy the show and brought me some wine to help alleviate my discomfort (“Chivalry” bonus points). Casa Mezcal was having an off-night as the performers were only so-so at best, but regardless it was still quite a scene of odd balls, suits and liberated tits. The bar was a little drafty so Giles offered me his ($4K) Jacket to keep warm (“Chivalry” bonus points). It was getting late, so we finished our wine, hopped into a cab and called it a night.

Giles & The Crocodiles

Hmmm

The Conclusion

Pros: Is a great story teller, has a Pete Campbell Seductiveness, and is wealthy.

Cons: Is younger, has a Pete Campbell Seductiveness, and is a Trust Fund Kid.

Giles comes from a long line of “Most Eligible Bachelors,” as he was bred to be a Gentlemen and is very experienced in the ways of the world. I am pretty sure his ancestors invented chivalry, because apparently his Great Great Grandfather also  invented Love Potion No. 9. Giles’ family is so interesting that there is even a documentary about them and their family business at Bergdorf Goodman. The list could go on and on. He owns so many bragging rights—yet Giles is modest, unpretentious and thoughtful. In addition to the fact that Giles has many tales to tell, he is also well-disciplined in the art of active listening (perhaps this why he is such a great storyteller). Although I’ve been charmed, Giles’ playboy legacy will supersede all other redeeming qualities that would make him a potential catch. However…he is hard to resist.

Nighty-Night.

One Hot Summer Night…

She Was Happy To See Me.

Wide-Eyed At A Birthday Party.

He Was Watching The Door.

Miss. This. Face.

 Couldn’t Believe Their Eyes.

Bellicose Babes,

 Bacchus Boys,

Warriors In Lace,

And Beer Suckling Boy Scouts,

All Sinking On His Ship.

Shiver Me Timbers.

Tom’s Modern Bromance.

Bold & Beautiful,

 Saucy Like A Tomato.

Stars and Scrappers,

Raise A Flag,

Follow Her Lead,

Feel It,

 And Let Yourself Go.

Yé-yé.


Careful What You Say,

Loose Lips Sink Ships.

Hotter Than A Heatwave.

 My Wild Bore,

Puts Me In The Spotlight.

Found My Rizzo.

DONE.

song by CROCODILES

FALLING OUT  WITH THE PHANTOM FAMILY HALO

Words by Kristina Ensminger

Who: The Phantom Family Halo
What: A live preview of their upcoming album, When I Fall Out (February 14, 2012; Knitting Factory Records), in its entirety.
Where: Death by Audio – Brooklyn, NY
When: November 27, 2011

The Phantom Family Halo, brainchild of multi-instrumentalist Dominic Cipolla, is an amalgamation of Cipolla’s eclectic musical taste—from Amon Düül to John Cale to Alice Cooper. With such a wide-ranging palette to draw from, PFH’s sound can’t be filed neatly under any one genre; psychiatric-meets-psychedelic krautrock seems to be the most fitting. Their most recent release, The Mindeater EP, a split with fellow Louisville native Bonnie “Prince” Billy, is more somber folk than psych-rock (the exception being the electric, jam-heavy cover of “I Wonder If I Care as Much,” with its epic five-minute guitar solo), showing Cipolla’s chameleon-like appeal—he’s as equally adept at acoustic subtlety as he is at electric experimentation. 

The When I Fall Out show at Death by Audio felt like a thumbnail preview of what PFH is capable of live, but not the whole picture. Early in the set, Cipolla inquired, “Can anyone see sparks? Because I’m getting the shit shocked out of me.” The shock factor was fitting, since Cipolla acted as the band’s lightning rod—his stage presence was reserved, but he still managed to conduct a massive amount of energy from his grounded stance. Conversely, William Benton—who played bass and some guitar on the record—had a much more physical presence, wailing on guitar and making use of as much of the small stage as possible. The visual art element was hard to decipher (the projection was lost against the painted walls at DBA), but the raw DIY sound actually complemented the album’s dark subject matter and gritty vibe.

When I Fall Out is the first of two concept albums (the second of which will be released next fall) written as a catharsis after Cipolla lost a close friend. A Dante-like journey through the macabre, each song represents a different level of darkness. “White Hot Gun,” with manic guitar solos that build into a raging climax, seems like the sonic equivalent of watching someone in a padded cell devolve into madness. Abruptly downshifting, the next track, “Dirty Blade,” glides into the numbness of grief with a funky, low-end piano bass line and tiptoeing guitar riffs. “Above My Head” feels like pre-institutionalized Roky Erickson, while “Lightning On Your Face” has a dark cinematic surrealism.

The second-to-last track, “The Fall Out Suite” (a bookend to the opening track “The Fall Out”), feels and sounds like a final acceptance of death—both haunting and soothing. The last track, “Vital Energy,” seems more like the album’s epilogue, a glimpse into the spooky transition between worlds that ends with a Barrett-era Floyd-like battery drain, the final notes and thoughts being slowly sucked away into another realm. Whether this song represents the end to this chapter or the beginning of the next story, whatever follows is sure to be epic.

My Date with A Mad Man

Meet Tony

Location: NYC.

Origin: Taiwan.

Occupation: Ad Man.

Hobbies: Eating and traveling.

How We Met: Tony and I met at my birthday party at Hanson Dry.

Interesting Facts: Tony is a newbie to the city and cannot watch horror flicks in cinemas as he is prone to loud screaming during pivotal scenes.

Madison Square Park

It was my first date with a real Ad Man and I was absolutely thrilled at Tony’s willingness to indulge me in my Mad Men infatuation. Being the clever devil he is, Tony befittingly suggested we meet at Madison Square Park. Tony was right on time, and equipped with enough cigarettes to get us through an entire Sterling Cooper office party. In addition to Mad Men, Tony and I also share an interest in photography and he really embraced this aspect on our date. As we walked together through the park, Tony captured many of his own moments with an iPhone as impromptu photo opps were everywhere! We photographed each other, Asian Tourist style, posing with Echo, Jaume Plensa’s giant head sculpture. After we left the park, I slipped into a mannequin bust that was left on the street, and Tony and I found a very cool photography installation on Park Avenue where a camera projected our photo onto a large glass wall. This was just the start of our date and we had already stumbled upon so much fun! Tony’s plan was to take me to see Fuerza Bruta so we had a quick glass of Prosecco at a neighboring bar before the show started. I could hardly wait.

My New Bust!

  Photography on Photography

Deep in Thought

Posing with my Cans

The Date

Fuerza Bruta didn’t exactly fit into our Mad Men theme but I really appreciated Tony choosing to share this experience with me. The show was visually striking with such incredible lighting and Tony and I were like a couple of kids in a candy store with cameras in hand. We were having such a great time… until I started to notice things. Tony was REALLY photographing the show, and while glued to his iPhone, he managed to out photograph me! Was I being petty? Does it really have to be all about me and my camera? I decided to let it go and to just enjoy myself… when I began to detect other women’s interest in MY date. Tony is a good looking guy, handsome in fact and these man hunters were after my prize! Before I knew it, Tony was whisked away into their hen huddle on the other side of the dance floor, and officially appointed as their event photographer. My mouth was hanging open in disbelief, the only thing I could do was bust Tony for his full on “Don Draper Action.”

What Would Don Do?

What Would Betty Do?

iFoto

Busted!

Enjoying The Show

Holla Back

Later That Night

Tony is a total chick magnet and I knew I had to act fast. In a desperate attempt to put the attention back onto myself, I suggested we do Karaoke at One 7.  My strategy was to woo Tony with a carefully selected serenade in a half-empty, dimly lit bar (“Dork” Deduction Points). I don’t think I could have suggested anything more lame. Tony was really cool about it and even though he can’t carry a tune to save his life, he dived in fearlessly with a Beatles song. I was really impressed with his courage and “try anything” mentality. Tony, through choosing his own carefully selected serenade, saved my grace.

Karaoke Champion

The Conclusion

Pros: Is handsome, creative, and open to new experiences.

Cons: Is handsome, prone to Don Draper-isms, and is an iPhone addict.

Tony is adventurous, open-minded and classy. He has quite the eye and makes very good aesthetic choices, from the food he eats to the photos he takes. He is quite a catch… perhaps too fetching as he certainly attracts a lot of attention. He’s a sly fox in a meadow full of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed does. We talked about possibly grabbing lunch one afternoon around Madison Avenue…oh what would Betty Draper do?


TTYL

Boy’s Club

Bad Credit No Credit

Utopia Park, Shea Stadium

Bad Credit No Credit, Manhattan Inn

Escalators, Becky & Tom’s Art Party

Black Angels, MHOW

Abby Rock, Becky & Tom’s Art Party


Abby Rock, Becky & Tom’s Art Party

Caged Animals, Fat Baby

The Back Pockets, Shea Stadium

The Back Pockets, Shea Stadium

Utopia Park, Shea Stadium

Little Ruckus

Little Ruckus





 D I V E

In Their Own (Key) Words:

LSD New York.

Desert Kitchen Jams.

New Age Pastry Makin’ Music.

Post-Dance Psych Rooftop Rock.

 Albuquerque.

North America


Blondes Queers Have More Fun

The Return of Pussy Faggot

Shane Shane

Machine Dazzle

Penny Arcade

Machine Dazzle

Shane Shane: Pretty

Penny Arcade

Shane Shane: Fag

Gay Bar Super Star

KT

JoMo

Machine Dazzle

Rubbing Beards

Penny Arcade

Machine Dazzle

Shane Shane: Dairy Queen

I Fags

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