Catch A Tiger By His Toe

Need Cash?

Ladies, are you broke, single, and desperate— living paycheck to paycheck with out knowing what the next month will bring? Being a bachelorette is only cute until about 25, then it’s Spinster City. Well, never fear because you, too, can live (a woman’s version of) The American Dream. Around every corner is a handsome Prince who’s just waiting to blow his inheritance on you (in exchange for a little something on the side). It’s so easy and all it takes is a little pimping and primping. Knowing when to put out and when to hold out will serve you well, so follow my advice and you will be living vicariously through someone else’s status in no time!

Fix-Up

Never (ever) leave the house with out having your lips on and your eyebrows drawn. Red lips are a signifier of your sexual availability, so wear it well. Choose garments that flatter your best attribute. If ever in doubt, a push-up bra and low cut top will solve everything— temporarily. Tall and thin? Then try a skirt short enough to catch his eye but long enough to let him know that you mean business and will hold out until he’s sealed the deal. Dresses are also a great investment, but if you absolutely insist on wearing jeans, make sure they are well-fitted…but easy enough to remove.

Some Day My Prince Will Come

Hunting Season has officially started! Ladies let me remind you that this is a competition and there are three floozies to every one street corner on Fifth Avenue, all hunting the same game. For the best results, try lingering in front of your favorite high-end retail store looking helpless. When your potential Prince approaches close enough that you can smell his Armani cologne, this is your cue to strike hard. Give him your best bedroom eyes and reel him in with suggestive body language. Try dropping your keys— especially if you are wearing a mini skirt. Remember, it’s not prostitution if you are exchanging favors for gifts…unless the favor is anal sex…in which you are a filthy whore.

 Wild Boar Galore.

Play your card right and your new life could be overflowing with Wild Boar,  champagne cocktails, and overpriced panties! Remember, you are only as good as the man you are sleeping with, so aim high and ward away deadbeats. It’s your only hope to move up in this world (unless you go to school, educate yourself, get a job, and make your own money). Diamonds are a girls best friend because “men grow cold as girls grow old” so make sure to get that ice while you still got the goods.